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Computer Terms Date: No date scheduled Category: None

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There are certain basic computer terms that you need to try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a computer, you don't sound like just some random jerk. Instead, you'll sound like a specific jerk who memorized some terms out of a book.

HARDWARE - This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

SOFTWARE - These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give instructions to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the computer that rapidly processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES, and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the "manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.

MEGAHERTZ - This is a really, really big hertz.

RAM - This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of measurement for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM." The function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. Bill Gates currently has over 743 billion "megs" of RAM.

You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface" with computer experts.

For example, if you're purchasing a new computer, you want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that store personnel will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level of technical expertise:

STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?
YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the "megahertz."
STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a supermarket.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.